CHAPTER 3- The first phase of the ten years being single and looking for my “Joseph” - the beginning of the conversion

Though far from God and faith, there remained, I believe, in the depths of my soul a will of God and of returning return to the right path, and more: to penetrate strongly through it. Perhaps this is a wonderful gift that God gives to all the baptized: even radically far, it is still infused in our heart this search for love and Love. It was this desire that unconsciously led me to do three things that I consider 'the beginning of the return'. The first of these was the willingness to help others, since I was aware of my privileged position in front of several of other people. So the first thing I did was to do volunteer work with children, which have always been my passion. Few things stir my heart so much as seeing a child suffer. I learned at the time that there was a philanthropic institution in Ribeirão Preto that looked after needy children who had been ill-treated. I got in touch with them and got the answer that I could go visit them whenever I wanted. They also asked me some items that they always needed, such as nappies, fresh fruits and vegetables to give to the kids etc.

After that first visit to those children so full of life and so humanly with nothing, the desire 

to help and to be a better person began to flourish in my heart. On one of the visits,

 I called my mother and one of my sisters to go with me. As soon as we got there and 

entered the nursery, there was a baby of a few months crying a lot. As my mother 

was always a fairy with children, she took the little baby in her arms and the little

 one soon stopped crying. Suddenly a lady who was a permanent volunteer came

 running and speaking loudly for my mother to put her back into the cot. Because

 we did not understand anything, the girl explained that since they could not attend to

 all the children and babies and nursed them every time they cried, the indication was

 that no one would. That fact fell deep into my soul and I realized how privileged 

I was and that as such I would do something to reciprocate. Only a few months later, 

while doing another volunteer work, this time in the Campinas region, I read this phrase 

for the first time: "Don’t let your life be barren. Be useful. Make yourself felt. 

Shine forth with the torch of your faith and your love”

Another desire, perhaps even an unconscious resolution I made after that day,

 was to go more often to Mass and not just on Sundays. I remember that I began 

to attend mass on weekdays at Stigmatinos church, in Ribeirão Preto. I was

 working at a bank and had to go very early to be able to arrive without delay to 

work. That ritual, every morning, began to do me a tremendous good.

Mass is still the best time of my day today; is like the 'strong smoothie' of my faith. 

At each Mass the sacrifice of the cross is renewed, although in a bloodless manner,

 yet the Son offers himself to us. Pope Benedict  at the end of the Italian National

 Eucharistic Congress in 2005 reported a touching episode in the early centuries of 

Christianity. It happened in the year 304, when Emperor Diocletian forbade Christians, 

at risk of death, to possess the Scriptures and celebrate the Eucharist on Sundays. 

In Abitene, a small town in Roman Africa, 49 Christians were caught celebrating the 

Eucharist on a Sunday, thus defying the impermissible prohibitions. Incarcerated, 

they were taken to Carthage to be questioned by the proconsul.

 It was significant the answer that one of them, named Emeritus, 

gave the proconsul when asked about the reason for having violated the Law. He said: 

"Sine domínico non possumus": without the celebration of the Eucharist on Sunday

 we can not live. We would lack the strength and graces we need to live day by day 

and not to succumb.

Finally, going to mass began to bring me closer to God and to grow in love for Him too.

In addition, I began willing to understand more about everything I was taught about 

faith and I started basically by the piece that makes nine out of ten young people 

ask themselves: "Why chastity? How many people, in fact, live according to this 

aspect of faith today? At that time it was that, talking to a friend who was also trying 

to settle these doubts, I came across a comment from him that made me reflect. 

He told me, "Have you ever stopped to think that if what we learn about purity and 

chastity in the Church is what is right, in the line of communion, only about 5% of 

people are really in state of grace?". With that  teaser, I became restless on this 

subject and so I began to better understand the teachings of our Holy Church

 and to go one step further towards this treasure. And that's what happened, 

a few months later.

I was still working at the Itaú branch in Ribeirão Preto when they gave me a call. 

It was a dear friend, who had studied with me in Araraquara. She also worked at

 Itaú and had walked the same way. Now she was coming out of her place in 

the corporate part of the bank in São Paulo to go to another area and wanted 

to know if I would like her to point me to that position. I stuttered a little on the phone, 

but said "of course, that was an opportunity I could not lose." Even though I knew 

of the wonderful thing that was opening up in front of me, I also knew that it would

 be such a challenge: it would mean moving alone to the capital of twenty million people, 

facing a job that I did not know exactly if I had the skills, make new friends etc. 

What I did not know, however, was that this change would be crucial to my faith.

Summing up, then, this episode: I spoke with my parents who, as always, 

supported me in everything and were super happy. However, I still needed to

 do the interview with the managers in São Paulo. They rolled me up for a few 

weeks and finally set the interview for a Friday afternoon. I prayed a little without 

knowing if I wanted to get that grace or not, and I left for São Paulo, on the Via 

Comet bus. I arrived at the CTO building in São Paulo, the building where the bank's 

system and support areas were located. I arrived like that dog that falls off the truck. 

A few minutes later, the supervisor and the superintendent called me and as soon 

as I saw them, I knew I would love to work with them, if I were the one chosen for

 that vacancy, which would later proved to be. We did the interview more like a chat

and they 'did not call me.' 'Ill call you soon' to an anxious person who is waiting for 

a 'yes' is quite a mortification. Obviously, during that period I called my friend a few

 times to check if she knew something, but there was no answer. A few weeks of 

agony and a few half-loosened prayers later, they called me on a Thursday afternoon, 

telling me that I had been approved and that they were waiting for me the following 

Monday morning.

Despite the fright, I held the phone and gave a firm yes, assuring them that I would

 be there a little before 9 am, as we had agreed.

That weekend I spent dividing myself between spending time with my family, telling 

the news to close friends and scheduling my sudden move to the capital. And so it 

ended, at least provisionally, my times living in the warmth of my parents' home and a

 quiet city.

I started working in São Paulo in April 2007 and I lived in a flat, initially, until my move 

to an apartment on my own. The first months in Sao Paulo were very solitary, a solitude 

that today I see as very good for my maturity and for the moment in which I was living.

At first, I would go back home almost every weekend, until I became interested in 

staying more in São Paulo and giving a chance to get to know the city and the

 wonderful opportunities it offers, in every way. It was then on one of the first 

weekends that I stayed in Sao Paulo that I decided to go out for lunch alone on 

Saturday afternoon, after devouring the newspaper and watching some three or 

more movies. I was, frankly, kind of embarrassed to go out to have lunch completely

 on my own on a Saturday, when, for me, girl from a large-catholic family, should 

be spent with family members. I went to the shops and noticed something that left 

me a little sad: there were several people having lunch on their own. This fact, 

coupled with the new work in the heart of a retail bank that always has the goal 

of ever greater profit, and finally the distance from the family made me begin to 

question life and my values, especially my faith, in a persistent way .

It was then that one afternoon, at my table at Itaú, I remembered Bi, a Portuguese 

lady from Opus Dei, a good friend of my mother, who went to dinner every month at 

my house and with whom I spent long hours talking about this theme of faith and 

everything that relates to it. I decided to contact her and try to make an appointment. 

So I did, and from this wonderful encounter came the 'paths that led me to Rome.'